Self-determination through the stories we tell
Breaking free from borrowed identities
What is the story you tell about yourself? Does it serve you in shaping where you are going and how you envision your future?
The dictionary defines self-determination as "free choice of one's own acts or states without external compulsion." In geopolitics, it refers to a people's right to self-government.
For individuals, self-determination is the process of taking control of our lives. It means embracing our unique stories and breaking free from limitations, taking full responsibility for our choices, passions, and actions. This is how we shape our future.
For the last ten years, as soon as I said, "I work at Google," the person in front of me would light up. "Wow, how cool is that?" So, I have been wondering: Did I let myself become a static stereotype – defined by an external force?
Yes! While you work nonstop within Google to differentiate yourself and show impact, you let the brand "Googler" carry you externally. No wonder so many people who have left have "X-Googler" in their LinkedIn headlines. The downside, however, is that once you are tethered to a borrowed identity, it's a little bit like being in a comfortable place that obscures the unique value you bring to the table.
Great stories are full of transitions, change, discoveries, growth, and often imperfect endings—that's how they are different from labels. What we have done in the past helps us envision and shape our futures by creating bridges that carry us forward.
The artist Raye LaRive gave me permission to share a small part of her rich story as an example of narrative setting as an act of self-determination.
LaRive: Reaching the riverbank
If life is like a river with unexpected currents, waterfalls, or a river that sometimes flows uphill, Raye had been in it for a long time when she decided to go deep diving to find a place of calm. As part of her identity exploration, and reinvention, she came to a new name for herself.
Raye, fka Leith, became Raye LaRive. In French, "Larive" means "the riverbank." Choosing this name was a step into her true self—a stake firmly planted in the ground.
We met some 25+ years ago at a classroom door, chatting while waiting for our daughters to come out at the end of their day. Raye was then, as she is now, pure magnetism. How she listens, asks questions to fully understand before responding, and builds empathy by sharing her life and experiences right back at you creates a force field that pulls you in. Once you are there, you want to stay: stopping for a chat with Raye fills my cup.
Her art explores form, space, and emotion, expressing her vision of the world she inhabits. Clear and bold lines, never-ending space, and possibility evoke the interplay of light and shadow and a delicate balance between fragility and strength.
Raye arrived at Larive in the same way that she continues to move forward as an artist. Through deep exploration of cause and effect — understanding how actions ripple through complex, changing dynamics of patterns and habits. Her strength was breaking out of autopilot as her understanding of what could be possible expanded.
Over the last few years, Raye has pushed herself to a place where her choices take precedence over others' needs. Her newly chosen name says what she tells me about her story: "I have discovered ease as a result of deep diving." I see this in how her work has changed.
In her words: “What was happening in these works was that I had drawn the New Mexico cottonwood trees countless times, enamored of their choreography and calligraphy. At a certain point, the drawings began to fall apart into more essential (and abstract) forms and movements that were entirely personal, stemming from deep listening and attentiveness within.
By being bold and unapologetically herself, Raye arrived at the bank. From there, she can watch the water go by and swim when she wants to.
[K] Now You – Where you do the work.
When you are going through a transition, whether in your work or personal life, your sense of self can be shaken up.
It’s happening to me right now.
During transitions, we have to assert our self-determination so we can make and fully own our choices and decisions as we move forward. It’s like building a fortress to protect us against external forces or expectations.
Developing a “self-determining” story takes introspection and exploration of what matters and what doesn’t, what makes you feel alive, and what bores you. Your authentic self must come with warts and all. Our flaws, the mistakes we’ve made, and our vulnerabilities are a big part of what makes us unique.
There is no shortcut, no cheat sheet, and never a moment when you can say “done!” We grow continuously from the compost of all our experiences.
Through the Quitting Corp project and other ideas I am working on, I hope that this transition can be a catalyst for reinvention and growth. I am using my story–my patterns and beliefs—as a compass to move forward.
Self-discovery is fascinating, but sometimes tricky to do without guidance. Coaching helped me a lot throughout the years to get to know who I am, but I completely agree with you that sometimes we need to step back to rediscover our essence by our own and build a new path from there. Great read. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Love this. I worked with an exec coach who reminded me our successes are not a halo these companies place on our heads. The come from within us and we get to take them with us when we leave. Googlers are people who were successful in many other environments before they got to Google and will continue to be fabulous and have an impact wherever the go next.